Dear voters: meet Stan Li. His lifelong dream, since his birth last June, has been to hold public office and help Americans build a better, fairer economy, and a more equitable and happy society for humans and pets alike. Unlike some of his dog park opponents, Stan has no beef with cats, and is more than happy to share a bowl of water with his companions. Here at Lehrmda, we believe in neutral, objective reporting, so in order to help you truly decide if Stan is worth your vote, we compiled a pros and cons list!

We’ll start with the cons…

Con # 1: Can be Easily Bought

Even though Stan’s platform opposes big money in politics, our team has uncovered evidence that, unlike his PR campaign wants you to believe, he can be bought. Bad Stan!

Con # 2: Short-tempered

We all remember what happened in that infamous press conference from the midterms when he was asked to stop trying to eat my new blue Nike shoe.

Con # 3: Not a Fan of Technology

We get it, Stan. Creative destruction leads to short-term job losses, unemployment, and possibly the evisceration of specific domestic industries. But do you have to be so aggressive about it?

Con # 4: Occasionally Involved in Dirty Business

Sometimes, right after his bath too! And for what, Stan? Did that really feel good? It doesn’t look like it. Doesn’t look like it at all. Get your act together, man.

Con # 5: Below Average Impulse Control

I’m just saying… I’m not sure I’d trust this dude with the nuclear football, or put him anywhere near peace talks in sensitive regions around the world. I mean, in what world did you think you could win the fight against that goose, Stan?

But, in Stan’s defense, he also has many qualities. Let’s go through some of the pros!

Pro # 1: A Social Beast

Stan is charismatic as f***. Almost every dog either loves or tolerates him, and humans never fail to drop an “aww” every time he crosses the street. His smile can melt butter 2x faster than room temperature. Stan would unite this country in a heartbeat.

Pro # 2: Has Been through a Lot

Stan knows what it’s like to see everyone play happily outside while you’re stuck at home because you injured a paw and cost your parents $4,000 in surgery. He’s been through pain and suffering, and can connect and sympathize with those in the deep end. The whole thing also made him a huge advocate for healthcare reform.

Pro # 3: Very Honest

If you suck at guitar, Stan will not sugarcoat it — he will let you know! LOUD AND CLEAR! And that’s his personal philosophy in life. When Stan sees an injustice, he calls it out. No voice will be left unheard under this dog’s administration.

Pro # 4: Greatly Educated

Nearly broke the bank paying tuition for this dude, but he’s now a proud graduate of the University of Notre Dame, with a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology. During his undergraduate years, Stan was the president of College Puppies, the Alaskan Klee Kai Student Association, and the Dogs for Equality student group. He was then employed in consulting and moved to Chicago.

Pro # 5: Community-oriented

There’s no “I” in Stan. Technically there’s no “US” either, but pointing that out would defeat my point. Stan is all about community and the collectively well-being. He will not let a few billionaires become… bigger billionaires while the working class struggles.

Pro # 6: Environmental Activist

I know this photo technically just shows Stan on a bunch of grass, but believe me, this dude is all about protecting nature. Unless you’re a squirrel, in which case, Stan probably would prefer to see you dead. But still — this dude is so PRO-NATURE he will gladly eat the trash you forgot to throw out, and will even help fertilize flowers with his biological waste.

Pro # 7: Tough Skin

Stan can handle the coldest days of winter, and hottest days of summer (sort of), and everything else in between. This dude has a thick skin and no tolerance for BS. If a job has to be done, he will be on the front lines, doing it, rain or shine. And then he’ll probably piss all over the ground to mark his territory, too.

Pro # 8: A Tea Lover

Ok, this isn’t particularly important or relevant for public office, but I still felt like we needed to share this horribly photoshopped picture of him.

Well, I guess we weren’t that neutral in the end. That’s 5 reasons against voting on Stan, and 8 reasons for voting for him. In the end, the choice is yours, and your vote is secret. But VOTE! Don’t waste your chance to get your voice heard. Puppies everywhere are counting on you!